How it all began

Did you know that in the UK alone last year, over 2500000 stupid ideas for musical projects and concepts were aborted; unwanted like an authentic collection of mouldy kebabs from last years Christmas party? Most importantly they didn't get produced, and, you can't buy them.

One of the biggest problems facing modern day artists is the restrictions of talent; My voice sounds horrible! I don't know how to use a computer??? My left arm is robotic!! Who would release an album recorded in my fish tank?

Here at the Wrong Music Complaints Department our archives are full of such ideas and concepts, a collection of albums covering deep tech house, spoken word, noise, tv cut-ups, hip hop, breakcore, drummond bass, taxi radio, rock and inevitably; sausage roll.

Celebrating artists from across the globe, including some of the most famous people in music, under aliases of course, we like to think there is something for everyone in our crap list, and hope you enjoy it as much as we do.


understands your need for crap

The Wrong Music Complaints Department was first established in the southern suburbs of northern Upstubekistan in early 1703. It was initially set up to protect artists from the tyranny of evil ruler Telly Savalas. The Poerk Apple, a wealthy merchant of the time, had a love for crap music and would positively encourage the people to create new styles of music and art, and had . The freedom allowed the artists to flourish, it was here such genres as 'hip-hop' and 'neo-rave' first made appearances in the back alley clubs, contrary to most modern thinking.

Savalas, a big fan of Phil Collins, obviously had serious issues with this type of radical attitude. If caught performing anything that wasn't in the 'kings favor', the price to pay was severe; vocal castration, lobal dismemberment, eyelid reincarnation, chicken shock and even eyeball reconfiguration, practices which were exercised by the high priestess, Sharon.

On one occasion, a 15 year old boy was caught humming MC Hammer in the high street, and, after being brutally beaten, was hung, by his testicles, right out the front of Woolworth's.

As more and more people turned to the Poerk Apple for help and guidance, so to did Savalas' rage build, and eventually, on the morning of the 30th February 1704, an Army of over 15 men attacked Chez Apple. With everyone still in bed, the fight wasn't much, and all 3 people in the home were captured, including The Poerk Apple. Tried under Mongol Law by 14 members of The Telly Savalas League Against The Poerk Apple, he didn't have much chance, three life sentences to be carried out in the biggest prison they got.

That was all that was heard from the Poerk apple until sometime in 2004, 300 years after he was first imprisoned, and that wasn't the only thing strange, it was where he turned up; Brighton.

Being the shrewd business man that he was, he had invested wisely in his time in prison, a portfolio including inflatable tin openers and '100 best of' TV shows had left him comfortably rich. Unaccustomed to the modern world, Poerk found it difficult to adapt, no one to love him, no one who could understand him, a solitary sole without a family, a home, or even a haircut.

Poerk found his only enjoyment in life from music, but he had to find it. He checked the high street, and was frightened, all those albums, no soul, the industry he left had changed so much. One day, inside a local charity shop, he was searching through a box of tapes thoroughly, he lifted and he reached until he found something he liked, a copy of Cliff Richards Devilwoman.

There was something strange about this tape, the cover had worn somewhat, as if it had been used in some type of freakish experiment, and there was more, as Poerk slowly opened the case, through the mist he saw the matte black tape, enriched with golden calligraphy, 'Devilwoman'. Obviously part of some kind of special edition, Poerk knew he was onto something. He approached the counter carefully, repeatedly thinking about the well publicised deaths that have occurred in the laundrette.

A hunched elderly lady peered over her glasses at Poerk “Oohh a tape I see” Poerk was shocked “ Cliff Richard eh, such a nice man” She reached a wrinkly old hand under the counter and Poerk took a step back. “want a bag??? For your tape?” It was a stupid question, Poerk knew that he was in trouble. He put a £5 note on the counter, grabbed Devilwoman and ran out of the store.

He charged down the street, only looking back to think about getting a coffee, running until he could run no more. He puffed and panted, coughing what seemed to be apples out violently, (obviously we all know that these are his children, but that is another story) he had nearly ran 300 metres and didn't know where he was.

“Crraraaarawwrawrrwrawrraw” Poerk looked up, on the building above he saw a Seagull, fixated on his head,”Crrrarararararrwrwrwrwrwrrw” Poerk nodded, he now knew that this tape must be special, and he should listen to it straight away.

Just as Poerk was carefully placing the tape, into his top of the range Gustav stereo system, he noticed evidence that this tape may not have the original recording, that little hole at the end had some tape on it, it wasn't Devilwoman, or was it. He pressed Play........

Oh no it wasn't, it wasn't Devilwoman at all. It was The Best Devilwoman Album In The World Ever Volume 1. Like Devilwoman, but touched in ways a lot of people have been arrested for, a 30 track odyssey charting the rise and fall of devil and woman through 20 minutes. Poerk had found it, the missing link,the first release for his new label The Wrong Music Complaints Department.

Poerk had learned from an early age, that if you can find devilwoman then there will be more, and continued his search.